I know I know, I have been promising pictures of food for a week. Today I've been focused on insulin. To break the cycle I am in, where my sugar is too high for me to properly loose weight and my weight is too high for me to properly control my sugars, my doctor and I have turned to the most effective tool for the job -- insulin. The first thing that I want to say is for those of you who have or are at risk for type II diabetes: "Don't let it come to this!" With type II diabetes and obesity you need to worry about your organs. Specifically you have to worry about fat on your liver, strain on your kidneys and fatigue of your pancreas. Your pancreas has cells called Omega cells which are responsible for producing insulin. With untreated type II diabetes some of these cells die, which makes the rest of the cells work harder and eventually die. If all of these cells die the net effect is the same as Type I diabetes. Your body stops producing insulin. I am not at this point -- thankfully. The point I am at is that I have fat on my liver, which is causing my liver to convert glycogen and since I don't have the insulin to turn that into fat, my sugars stay high even when I don't eat carbs -- even when I don't eat. The problem is that I am I highly evolved human who has had millions of years to adapt to famine. If we ran out of food tomorrow, I would have a very high chance of surviving long enough to breed. I am adapted for a time when food was not in abundance -- obesity, and low dopamine are the price I pay for my ancestors being so good at surviving. What a lovely batch of chemicals I am. The solution is a serious insulin regimen. Understanding what I have to do has taxed my brain. It's nuanced and subjective. There are more variables than can be boiled down to an equation, so there is a lot of trial and error. I have to record everything so I can find the patterns and find the right course. I suck at detailed documentation -- see low dopamine. To be honest, I'm terrified. Hypoglycemia is a frighting thing for many reasons, not the least of which is brain damage -- which to me is far more frightening than death. Death I can live with. It's frightening that people with hypoglycemia often experience denial. So I have to be careful not to be my own enemy -- something I have never been very good at. What I am really afraid of, however, is that my genetically evolved anti-famine body is not going to recover before my pancreas retires. There is now a sense of urgency added to the stress of just loosing weight. For the first time since my diagnosis I am force to recognize type II diabetes as something more than a behavioral condition. Changing my behavior is no longer enough. I can't just get better by eating lettuce. The good news is, I've got this. Fear aside, I'm already healthier than I was a month ago and healthier then than a month before that. At some point not too long ago I was over 320 pounds. I've been steadily resetting my base weight lower and lower -- now I just have to pick up the pace and that's why insulin is my new "best frenemy." Looking at the needle sitting in front of me and the bag of needles to my left. I am reminded of how my life was spared from heroine addiction because I was terrified of needles. The irony is not lost on me. Its funny how at their very core all addictions look alike. Tomorrow is another day, so take care to Know Your Numbers and mind your health. until then ...