Somedays there is lots of drama and good deal of things to talk about. It's almost easier to diet on those days. Today was a bit humdrum. I got a lot of work done, there were no conflicts and no drama. The tension of trying to hit an ever encroaching deadline is not hitting my desk right now. I've been able to catch up on past work and I'm am shocked at how much I got done. Everything is calm to the point of being boring and boy do I want a snack -- and by snack I mean a roast beef and bacon grinder with the works on a 12" baguette -- Shelburn Market style. I have a plan to get my diabetes under control, I'm no longer stressed about that -- I'm just ready for it to be working. I have a good workout plan, I'm up to 30 minutes of straight out swimming 3 times a week. I have a good eating plan -- low carb with no binges. Work and my home life are going well and not to temp fate -- definitely not to temp fate. Oh God please understand that I am not temping fate! It strikes me as odd that in the absence of stress, I am more temped to go hog wild and eat than I have been in a while. I've been so stressed for so long that I forgot that boredom was probably what got this whole process started. I bet its like that for a lot of people. When the tension is high not overeating is like a holy war. Against strong resistance comes strong resolve or something like that. I'm a fighter in between great battles. What does a fighter do when there is nothing to fight against? So for me it's the calm everyday moments when temptation is the most dangerous. It would be so easy to create a bunch of drama by stopping off for a pizza on my way home from work. I'd enjoy every bite, and wallow in self pity all night as my sugars soared into the stratosphere and then tumbled to the earth like so many obsolete satellites. I could skip exercising and focus on the things that I have yet to fix with my life -- all that drama would be deeply satisfying in it's own way.

Pain, anger, despair, and drama can all be very life affirming. Strong emotions are as addictive as everything else. I could go down that road into darkness, I've spent a lot of time there and I'm often quite content in my misery, but here's the thing. If I go down that road I'm only going to cheat myself of the joys I can create through hard work and discipline. It's sad, but I have to keep reminding myself that choosing the right food isn't just about choosing to lose weight, its about choosing the life I want, rather than the much more easily attained path through darkness that leads to a bitter end. Each choice to eat right is an affirmation that I deserve better than the mistreatment and abuse I subject myself to through over indulgence. There is a cycle of insanity with food that is very easy to step into and hard to break, but the rewords for breaking out of are great. I've been saying for a while that the greatest pleasure I take in life is eating. I'm now realizing that there is a subtle message in the wording. Eating is not the greatest pleasure in life, its just the greatest pleasure that I have been taking. There is a world of happiness that I have been ignoring in favor of the a quick fix. I guess that makes me an addict. Today I am bored and tempted and today I will fight even harder, because I want to be free of self imposed limitations. Tomorrow I'll wake up and make the same decision to win. Because I'm a muther-fucking sorcerer that's why ;) until then ...